Have you ever sat and tried to just be? I am not talking about sitting on your phone, reading a book, watching a movie, etc.

The type of stillness I want you to take a moment to imagine is filled with a beauty and peace that exceeds every other self-care form that exists.

This stillness cannot be bought, learned, or wrapped in some meditation video.

This stillness cannot come from what we eat, what we accomplish, or even who we are with.

This stillness is found by resting at the feet of God.

For the longest time, I tried so hard to find the peace within myself. I attempted to curate the best life, rid of any stressors. I attempted any means I could in order to fight the battle raging inside of me. With anxiety and depression on the rise, it is vital that we understand the role God plays in all of our brokenness.

Every day I woke up, I would actively search within myself for the strength to fight the mental battle I had upon me for that day. It wasn’t until I was at my lowest when God gently reminded me of His truth.

God outlined for us what we were called to do whenever obstacles and hardships came our way many different times in the bible:

Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Exodus 14:14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Psalm 37:7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!

Psalm 62:5 For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.

What is one thing all of these verses have in common? Be. Still. Be still and know that I am Lord. Wait patiently for the Lord.

Being still is not something that comes naturally to human beings. We are told from a young age that busyness and success go hand-in-hand. We are taught to worry about everything because you never know what might happen to that loved one, that job, those finances, etc. We are taught to rely solely on ourselves and we are taught that if we do not have control over everything in our lives, things will go badly for us.

However, Jesus knew his creation before we were even a thought in our mothers minds. He knew that we would have these obstacles thrown at us. He gave us this scripture to remind us what we are, and who He is.

Stillness found in Him brings hope. It brings peace. It brings strength. It brings assurance and comfort in knowing that we are not responsible for fighting the battles that come to our minds. God is fighting for us, we just need to be still and know that every battle he has faced, He has won. God has victory and dominion over our entire being, including our minds. Isn’t that the most beautiful thing? We weren’t created to face this life alone. We were never created to fight these battles with only the strength we can muster. We are humans in need of our Savior. The best part is, we already know the outcome. God is victorious and He will be victorious over any mental challenge you are facing. Rest in that beautiful assurance. When you feel overwhelmed, when you feel like things will never get better, when you feel like giving up, remember there is no battle to be fought when the King of the Universe is fighting on your side and on your behalf. Be still. Rest in knowing who claims the victory over darkness.

Does that mean that it is easy or that your mental illness will suddenly vanish? It may immediately or it may take time. But what is most important is that our focus is shifted from “what can I do” to “what He will do”. Be patient and wait on the Lord. You only need to be still. Find peace in knowing that God has a hope and future planned for you.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

¹⁷ For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

This is something that I never dreamed I would be talking about. I never dreamed that I would ever struggle with something like this. But here I am, hoping to be a voice in this dark and fallen world of stigmatizing.

I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember, but especially when I entered college.

In high school, I loved being a part of things. Whether it was a sport, or hanging out with friends, I loved the feeling of being present. Thats where I found I could truly be myself. When I left all that behind, and headed for college, no one told me about the struggles that I would face.

Sure, some people talked about the journey. The thrill of sleeping in, having ample free time, and a loaded social life. The best four years of your life.

Thats a lot of pressure…

However, once I got to college, everything changed for me. The person that I had known and grown to love during my high school years was suddenly lost. I felt like a different person who no longer had the confidence to do the things I did in high school.

When faced with tremendous anxiety, I felt alone. When I started taking medicine for my anxiety, I felt alone. When I lost pound after pound from the lack of eating, when I didn’t sleep for days, when I could no longer go to class anymore, I felt completely alone. When I took a leave of absence and left college for the semester, I felt more alone than I can describe.

Waking up day after day, knowing that I am going to have panic attacks, is a helpless feeling. There was nothing I could do but wait for them to be over. But as soon as one was over, another would soon follow. To think that my life would be like that forever, was a feeling I cannot describe. It was like the anxiety took away any ounce of passion for anything in my life. What was the point anymore? I mean really, I could hardly function.

I felt like darkness was closing in on me every single second of the day.

Even though I received treatment through counseling, and have healed so much through that, I still struggle today. I went back after that semester, but it has truly been a game of catching up and trying to rediscover what makes me passionate and happy again. What was stolen, I needed to find again. I needed to find that girl who I lost at one point.

I can sit here and talk about my anxiety pretty easily, but when it comes to depression, it feels much more difficult. I have felt like giving up at times. Waking up the way I described, feeling like a burden to everyone in my life, that can lead anyone down a deep hole that is hard to climb out of.

Some may think that I have no reason to feel depressed at times. My life may look pretty normal and good from the outside.

But I think that’s the fault many people have when looking at people in their lives that seem like they are okay. They have no reason to be depressed or anxious if their lives are stable and normal, right?

There is more to someones story than just their situation. We all struggle in one way or another, and everyone deserves to be heard and cared for.

Now, this is not just a story of brokenness and hopelessness. This is a story of hope and healing. Of an ongoing process that God is working in me and through me to reach those who have been stigmatized by society. Just as He is doing for each and every one of you.

When we talk about mental illness, especially in the Christian atmosphere, we are met with many downcast faces and silent judgements.

There is this fear of the unknown that we all face, but with that comes a lack of understanding.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”- Philippians 4:6

I have heard this verse spoken to me many times when I bring up my mental illness, and almost every time it is by someone who believes that the “cure” to my anxiety is to believe that it is not right to feel this way if I am a Christian.

How come the Church makes mental illness seem wrong when there are countless examples of it in the Bible? Let’s just take a look at some.

Elijah

“he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” 5 And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” (1 Kings 19:4–5.)

Hannah

“Hannah wept and would not eat . . . She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly”
(1 Samuel 1:7–10).

Paul

“ . . .we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again”
(2 Corinthians 1:8–10).

Jesus

“Jesus Wept” (John 11:35)

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death”
(Matthew 26:38).

David

“Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry come to you!
Do not hide your face from me
in the day of my distress!
Incline your ear to me;
answer me speedily in the day when I call!
For my days pass away like smoke,
and my bones burn like a furnace.
My heart is struck down like grass and has withered;
I forget to eat my bread.
Because of my loud groaning
my bones cling to my flesh.
I am like a desert owl of the wilderness,
like an owl of the waste places;
I lie awake;
I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop”
(Psalm 102)

I think it is just as important to see the struggle those in the Bible went through, as it is to see the restorative power of Jesus.

To treat mental illness like it is a store filled with glass, is to not give God the power and the authority that He deserves.

A verse that I have come back to time and time again is this:

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you go through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, and the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God”

Isaiah 43:2-3

Jesus does not imply that we will never struggle. He does not promise we will never feel lonely, anxious, or depressed. There are forces of evil all around us that seek to kill and destroy us.

That is something that has actually helped me tremendously in my journey of healing. Becoming aware of the forces of darkness and the schemes of the Devil gives my suffering a name.

But when Jesus died on the cross for us, and then was raised from the grave, do you know who won? Jesus did. Not the forces of evil or the devil. He not only claimed the victory then, but He has it forever. That means that the devil can never win when we have Jesus fighting for us every single day. Sometimes struggling with a mental illness can feel personal. What I mean by that is that we sometimes feel like we are doing something wrong. That we are broken people who can’t be fixed.

Jesus, however, calls us by name. He sees you and I as treasures, as worth more than gold. He sees you as someone worth dying for. You may look in the mirror and see broken and useless, but Jesus can see way further than you ever could. He sees a person that could never be loved any less, and He does not ever regret dying for you on the cross. You sure as heck are not a burden to the King of Kings.

Not only does He see you as wholly adored and worth more than you could imagine, but He promises to be with you through every struggle. There is not a single moment of our lives where we are alone. When I was sitting in my dark closet, feeling completely hopeless and defeated, Jesus was holding me. When I almost took my own life after taking medicine that made me suicidal, Jesus was holding me. When I lost all sense of myself in my lowest and darkest times, Jesus was holding me. He is holding you in your closet. He is with you when you feel like you just want to give up. No flames shall burn you, nor waters overtake you. No forces of evil shall consume you, nor any schemes of the devil overtake you.

He is fighting for you against the forces of hell as we speak. You know what’s so comforting? He has already, and will always remain victorious.

I remember listening to a song called “We Believe” by the Newsboys. There were some lyrics that really reminded me of the fight already being won:

“And the gates of hell will not prevail
For the power of God, has torn the vail
Now we know Your love will never fail
We believe, we believe”

The gates of hell will not prevail. His love will always prevail. Through your depression, through your anxiety, through your pain, through your eating disorder, through your addiction, through your worst days, God is with you. He is fighting for you. He will never stop pursuing you. You are wanted. You are loved so tremendously. You are never fighting this fight alone. The God of the universe has you under his wings. Rest in knowing that the battle is not yours. The battle is Gods to win. His reign and rule, his light and love, will always see you. Even when you do not think anyone is watching. He is always there and will never leave you in your struggle.

Even here, a beautiful work is being accomplished within you. You might not be able to always see it in a quick glance at your present state, but when you look at the whole picture of your life, you will begin to see that there is beauty in the wholeness of it all. And even in the moments where you felt insignificant and small, Light was still pouring in, providing you with grace and strength, to keep stepping more into you truly are. – Morgan Harper Nichols

Growing up, the thought of one day being a woman was not something I ever feared. If anything, it seemed quite glamorous to me. The dresses, the makeup, and that stuff they called “coffee” that apparently stunted my growth. It was enticing. When I was a little girl, I remember looking up to the woman in my life and seeing happiness. I was oblivious to the struggles hiding beneath the surface.

When I was in middle school, I had my first taste of what it looked like for a boy to make you feel worthless. I can still hear the comments being made on the school bus, in front of my friends, about how flat-chested I was. About how chubby I was. About how those glasses made me nerdy. That was my first encounter with a boy attempting to steal my freedom away. My freedom to choose confidence.

When I was in high school, I remember how it felt to feel something for someone for the very first time. I remember the newness of it. I remember how it felt to be wanted by someone. I remember what it felt like as that feeling began to diminish as they began to look elsewhere. I remember the feeling of finding out about it. I remember the feeling of rejection, of humiliation, of the pain of never being good enough.

I remember the feeling of helplessness. One many of us are too familiar with.

However, I also remember the feeling of falling in love. I remember finding the person who was everything I have never had before, and finding the person who loved me for who I was. I remember the comfort. I feel that love every day.

However, those feelings of helplessness did not stay in high school. Little did I know that the little girl playing on the playground, being chased by boys, would grow up to be the woman running from men. Little did I know that little girl would grow up to be the woman who had to run with pepper spray just for her own sanity. Who has had so many terrifying encounters with men that she can’t go anywhere without that fear inside of her. Little did I know that the little girl running from boys on the playground, would become the grown woman who was followed out of a Starbucks by a man who asked if he could drive her somewhere, after repeatedly shouting “no”.

I am a grown woman, but I am still running from the same little boys who can’t understand the word “no”, and seem to think that they can have whatever they want. Like we are toys to be collected.

As women, it is vital for us to always rememeber that we are more than what some men make us out to be. We are the strongest humans on the planet. We are worth more than any man could ever make us feel. We were made with such precision and such purpose, nothing could ever stand in our way. It is our time to stand together. It is our time to be fearless.

Men: We know there are good ones out there. We know not all of you have the worst intentions. You cherish our hearts, you love us so powerfully, and you would protect us till the end. We see you, we value you, we respect you, and we appreciate the fact that you are still out there.

Long. Distance.

These two words seem to freak a lot of people out.

When I talk to people about long-distance relationships, almost everyone says the same exact thing: “Long-distance relationships never last. They aren’t worth it”

STORY TIME:

When I first began dating my boyfriend of over 3 years now, I thought the same thing.

I could not wrap my brain around the idea of being far from someone I cared so deeply about, especially by choice.

Our first year of dating, things were easy. Not to say we didn’t argue, but we lived 10 minutes from each other, played the same sports, and went to the same high school. We were even in some of the same classes. Needless to say, we never struggled to find time to see each other.

Since we started dating at the beginning of senior year, we both knew that we would need to pick a college very soon. As we both went on separate college visits to different schools, it started to sink in. The idea of not attending the same college scared me a little bit. But, at the same time, I knew that I needed to pick my college individually.

Eventually, I chose to attend Wheaton College and my boyfriend chose Northwestern. Although these schools are an hour apart from each other, that distance seemed daunting. The thought of having to go a week or more without seeing him seemed hard. Looking back, I laugh at how trivial that time was.

Prom and graduation came and went.

Soon the summer heat slowly faded into the autumn chill. The daunting move-in days were soon approaching

I remember tears flooding both of our eyes. I remember him holding me and reassuring me that we would make this work. I remember how badly I wanted to believe every word, yet fear was flooding my mind as we were plunging into a whole new lifestyle. We were starting on a whole new path of life. We were stepping into the unknown. Although most people reassured us that we were a strong couple who could make it through 4 years of long-distance, I could make out the doubtful tone in their voice.

Throughout that first semester, I struggled immensely. If you would like to read more about that time in my life, I have a blog post dedicated to my struggle with anxiety within college. Needless to say, even though we only saw each other on the weekends, our relationship grew through the struggle. I learned how well he could care for me, even from a distance. I learned how to communicate how I felt, without expecting him to already know.

This first year was not easy. Trust was tested for the first time. Communication was lacking in some areas. There needed to be more effort put forth because of the strain on our relationship. We felt the distance some days, and other days saw the beauty of living in two separate spaces.

Fast forward to January of my sophomore year. We had discussed the idea of study abroad previously, but felt like we both did’t want to do it as badly as we wanted to stay close together. However, everything changed within a matter of seconds.

Hearing my boyfriend pour out his heart to tell me why he felt he wanted to study abroad brought a whole new set of questions, doubts, and fears.

We have just gotten settled in the long-distance routine, why change it now?

Why would you choose to leave me if you love me?

How are we going to make this work”

Is it worth it?

That last question we both had to wrestle with. Throughout the next 8 months, I was filled with a variety of emotions. Pride at times. Anger at times. Selfishness at times. Sadness as times. Betrayal at times. However, there were also times I felt proud of him. Proud of him for wanting to do something to step way out of his comfort zone. I also had times of feeling so blessed to have someone who felt so confident in our relationship that they didn’t worry about how this would affect us as a couple.

Throughout those months of him getting accepted into the program, figuring out finances, getting visas, passports, and airline tickets, I was plagued by the uncertainty this future held for us.

Enjoying the summer was difficult because all I thought about was the ending, when he would get on a plane and leave for 4 months.

Many friends supported me and encouraged me. However, I saw the doubt even more than before. There were very few people who believed this long-distance relationship would work.

The first couple weeks he was gone, it didn’t seem that difficult. The situation was new, communication was better than ever, and we both were busy with school.

However, as the newness faded and we both got lazy as times, things got more difficult. Doubt set in, arguments became more frequent, and there were many nights I cried myself to sleep because I missed him so much.

Things were not easy for us. They were hard. They took work, forgiveness, and a whole lot of sacrifice.

I was able to visit him in Italy, which was the trip of a lifetime and I will remember every single aspect of it forever. I fell in love with him all over again.

However, when I returned from the trip, I still had 2 more months without him by my side. I had gone from spending every minute with him in Italy, to having no time with him. Never have I felt the distance more than in that moment. There was no newness. There was only the mundane. School got busier, but my mind still wandered to missing him every day.

I started to understand why so many people failed to believe in us.

Yet, at the same time, I have never loved him more than I do right now in the middle of all of this pain and hardship. Does it suck? Heck yes. But this experience has shown me different sides of him, and different sides to myself. It has given me a better understanding of what it means to not know your own strength. This love I have for him is unwavering, because I have fought with everything I have to protect and maintain it. I made the easiest decision of my life in deciding if this was worth it. Every single moment is worth it if I can spend the rest of my life with the person I fought so hard for, and have it reciprocated everyday.

If you are willing to fight, if you see this person as worth fighting your hardest for, you will reap the most beautiful benefits that no other situation can give you. I promise, you will feel a deeper love than you could’ve possibly imagined.

APPLICATION:
Here are some things that being in a long-distance relationship has taught me:

1.) Honesty should hold nothing back.

When we talk about honesty, we see it as telling the other person the things we do wrong. Although this is true, there is also an aspect to honesty that reveals the things we do right (or they do right). A tip I would give is to be open and honest about how you are feeling. If it is not one of your days and you are struggling with the distance, do not be afraid to ask specifically for reassurance. A lot of times, women expect men to know what they are thinking. This really isn’t a fair idea, ladies, and frankly hurts both us and our guys. Instead, ask directly for the thing you need.

Also, be open and honest about your doubts (if there are any). This will allow you and your significant other to have an open conversation as to why you may be feeling that way, and allows both of you to come together to come up with ways he can help you with your doubts.

On the other hand, if you are having a great day, be honest about it! I know it may seem obvious, but don’t be afraid to share exactly how you are feeling about the other person. Brag on them, write them a love letter, send them a voicemail, or just show how much you love them. Also, whether you are the one studying abroad, or the one holding down the fort, learn how to be genuinely happy for the other person. There will be a little bit of jealousy, but learn how to be happy for them first. Allow them to share how amazing there day was, even if you didn’t have a good day. And vise versa. Once we learn how to be selfless, the amount of growth that happens is truly amazing.

2.) See this temporary trial as an opportunity to grow, both individually and as a couple.

There were many conversations while I was visiting him, as well as on the phone with him, that simply would not have happened if it weren’t for this experience. Conversations got deeper, apologies came sooner, and there was a new side to him that I had not seen before.

While we were apart, I saw how God grew us individually. But I also saw how, as we grew individually, we also grew closer together. Our ability to function apart from one another, as painful as it is, continues to grow us and strengthen us more than I could have imagined.

I know it totally sucks at times. I know there will be days when you see couples on the street or in your classes, and you will want to cry for hours. There will be days where you’ll wonder whether this is worth it.

It isn’t an easy journey. But it is a temporary one. In the end, you will be so grateful you stuck with who you fought for , and you gave everything you had for the other person.

It is okay to cry. It is okay to argue. It is okay to feel lonely. The falling down isn’t the problem. The staying down is. We need to CHOOSE to be thankful for the person we are fighting for. We need to be thankful that we have someone willing to fight for us as much as we fight for them. We need to choose to be thankful for a relationship that will grow in strength as each day passes.

3.) God has already written your story. Trust that if he brought you to it, he will bring you through it.

This is probably one of the hardest things I wrestle with, especially on my hardest days. Why on earth would God take the one I love across town, across the state, across the country, or across the world (depending on your own circumstance)? Why would he choose me to go through this? Why couldn’t we just be a “normal” couple?

Well, I still don’t know the answers to many of these questions. I believe God has these answers, and if he doesn’t reveal them to me now, they will be among the first questions I ask when I get to heaven.

At the start of this, and as time has gone by, I have felt weak. I have not felt strong. I have felt the weight of this distance over and over again, and there seems to be no relief. Sometimes I wonder why God has put this challenge in my life if I feel so weak. One of my favorite quotes is,

“God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers”

But God, I just told you that I feel weak! Aren’t you listening to me?

“And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong”.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

We my see our human strength as weak. But when we lean into God’s power and what he promises us, we can find the strength to make it through anything.

Another verse I have clung to throughout this time is:

“Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out”.

1 Corinthians 10:13

God does not make bad things happen to us. He does not create harmful situations. Before the devil tempts us in any way, he has to go through God. The only reason God allows these things to happen to us is to test our faithfulness to himself, as well as for our good to make us more like Jesus.

Although this time may seem impossible. Although you may be temped to give up. God brought you to this place for a reason. He has a plan for you and your relationship. This may feel impossible by yourself, but with God nothing is impossible. We need to lean into him now more than ever, because He will always be with us, even when others cannot be. We need to trust that He is faithful to finish a good work that he has started within us. He is the only one that we can truly rely on for our strength to endure this difficult season of long-distance.

Self-care tips:

• take a bath
• call a friend
• take a shower
• plan out future with significant other (depending on how long you’ve been dating)
• call significant other
• do something nice for yourself
• watch a non-romantic movie (preferably something that will make you smile)
• get coffee with a friend
• play with puppies
• go for a run
• sped time outside

This is a very exhausting time for the both of you (both emotionally and physically). Be sure to take care of yourself, as well as each other in whatever way that may be.

These are just a few of the things I have learned thus far after being in a long-distance relationship for 2 years, and a longer distance for a couple months now. If you are in a long-distance relationship and have things you believe help ease the pain a little bit, feel free to comment below!

The road of long-distance has many critics. It is by no means easy. But in the end, it is so worth it.

Life is a beautiful, messy thing. We can choose to see it from our point of view, or Gods. I recently began the journey of discovering where the true beauty lies.

This past June, my family went on a trip to Europe. While we were there, we went to the top of Untersberg, which is a mountain range that spans between Germany and Austria. In order to get to the top of this mountain, we had to take a car that was supported by a single cable. As I sat there wondering how safe this was, when it was last inspected, and how many times it has failed, I was fearful. My fears were attempting to keep me from experiencing something I will probably only experience once in my lifetime. As the cable car climbed the mountainside, the fear kept me from looking out at the beauty that surrounded the car. As I stepped out of the car, I was amazed at what was before me. There was a single path that went atop the mountain, and at the end of that path was a cross.

Those who know me, know that I don’t always wear the most proper footwear. For example, I had chosen my trusty sandals to climb the top of this mountain. As my mom and brother made their way down the path, I was apprehensive. There was very little to hold onto along the path ahead, and the gravel looked too loose to walk over with sandals without slipping. As I stood there, I chose to take that step against that fear I was feeling, towards the cross. As I came around a small part of the path, I felt the gravel slide under my sandals and cause me to fall to the ground. However, I did not fall off the path. I had a choice in that moment, to turn back or keep moving forward. I chose to get up, brush myself off, and take the next step. As I got closer and closer to the end, to the large wooden cross, I began to feel a sense of courage and bravery that I hadn’t before. When I finally made it to that cross, I looked back at the path that led me there. There were slips, there were fears, but the view at the end made them all worth it. Looking out over the Austrian mountainside was like looking into the heavens themselves.

Although there were many other moments on that trip that stood out to me, this one spoke to me the loudest. I did not fully understand how precious that moment was on the mountaintop until after I went back down it.

In order to get to the peak of the mountain top, the one with the most astounding view, we must face our greatest fears. Fear is a normal emotion. It proves we are human. As that cable car climbed higher and higher up the mountain, my fears began to turn into courage with every foot into the sky.

When I slipped, I was scared. I was terrified, actually. I had this plan to slowly make my way down that gravel path, up the wooden stairs, and all the way to that cross with no interruptions or obstacles. However, I slipped. My plans changed when I was no longer in control. That slip may have been terrifying, yet I was not pushed off that path. That moment reminded me of how God holds his children ever so closely. We may feel like we are falling off of the mountain, we may feel like everything is out of control, but Jesus knows what he is doing. He holds his children so closely that not a single one of them, not a single one of us, can fall on his watch. That slip helped redirect my focus on the only one I can truly rely on. After slipping, my trust in him grew so much more than I ever thought it could. Because in the moment I needed him most, he was ready to catch me and help me to get back on my feet.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9

As we live our lives, we go through a lot of ups and a lot of downs. It is one giant rollercoaster. There are twists. There are unexpected turns. We may not be able to see the beauty of our journey until we reach the point where we can actually look back at our pain, our joy, our smiles, and our tears. We look back on that beautiful, and sometimes painful, journey and realize that the view is so much more than worth it. As I looked out over the mountains, I was in awe of how far God had brought me. God brought me through all of those slips, he brought me through those fears, and he carried me when I thought I couldn’t move forward anymore.

I remember back freshman year of college. I went through the worst anxiety of my life (check out my blog post from 2015, you will understand). I slipped. It felt like falling. I never thought I could get back up and get through it. But I fell into the arms of the ultimate Father and the ultimate protector. When I get to the lowest points in my life, it is easy to forget all God has taught me and all he has spoken into my heart.

We need to remember something very important. We must not forget what we learned in the light, when traveling in the dark.

We may all travel to different places in our lifetimes. We may go from town to town, state to state, or even country to country. We may feel like our feet are on shaky ground at times. However, it is quite the opposite when we are standing on a solid rock. When we have our foundation in Jesus, we will never be shaken. Our feet will always be on solid ground. We may be on top of the tallest mountains. We may be experiencing life’s darkest valleys, but the place our feet are planted will never change. Whether it be Europe or America, Texas or Illinois, Walmart or Target, our foundation is a constant. Jesus will always remain the same. As capable of holding and catching us as ever before. All we have to do, is chose to trust those hands that hold the universe.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”…He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.  A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you…For he will command his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways…“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.  She will call upon me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her…” -Psalm 91:1-16

In today’s culture, there is a great emphasis on picking the “right” major or “right” career. I remember the number one question I was asked going into my freshman year of college was, “What are you majoring in?” Whether this be from a family member or another student during orientation,  I could always gauge there thoughts about my future career by their facial expressions. We all know the one I am referring to. It is the one that either says, “Oh.. that’s great you’re pursing your passions” or the “WOW! That is going to take you so far in life (and make you a ton of money)”. Let me give you a brief background with my experience before diving into the deep stuff:

Going into my freshman year of college, I was absolutely sure of myself. I had chosen Nursing and was set on that decision. Even though my college didn’t have a nursing school, I was set on getting an Applied Health Science degree and then continuing onto nursing school. Everyone I talked to talked about how noble of a profession it was, how stable of a career it was, and (without directly stating it) expressed the wealth I would accumulate over time. Now, I have always been a person that falls into the trap of people-pleasing. Whether it be elementary school, or choosing my future career, I have always loved making other people happy. However, I began to realize this was taking a toll on me as I began my journey in college.

As the days rolled by and I began researching the nursing career itself, as well as how grueling nursing school is, I began to question my decision. Did I make this decision for myself? Or did I do this just because of the reactions I was getting?

Something didn’t feel right. I had always had a passion for taking care of people, so why did God bring me here just to change directions? Before this time, I thought changing majors was something I would NEVER do. I thought it was simply not an option. If God called me to a certain path, then I was going to stay in it for the long haul.

However, as my freshman year came to a close that first semester, I realized I was not truly happy. I knew I loved helping people, but God was slowly reminding me that nursing was not the only career he could use me in. So I decided it was time for a switch. Because of my interest in high school, I dabbled in business and economics for the next year. Although I was passionate about things like non-profit management and accounting, I found that even in this season I felt unfulfilled. I felt empty. I was confused, but even more so I was angry. I could not understand why God would bring me to a dead end yet again. I thought I would never be fulfilled and never feel like I was living out Gods true plan for my life.

As the end of my first semester of sophomore year came to a close, I remember going out to coffee with a good friend of mine. This was her first year of teaching and she taught 6th grade. I remember sitting there, listening to her stories, and wondering how anyone could do that day in and day out. I remember thinking to myself, “Thank goodness you didn’t call ME to be a teacher, God”. HA. HA. HA. Well, God has a very good sense of humor. As it has been said many times before, God laughs when we make plans for ourselves.

In that moment, in the middle of a Dunkin Donuts, a burning light began in my heart. I heard God’s voice more clearly than ever before telling me simply to go. Not physically leave, but a movement of some sorts to redirect my life. I spent the next few weeks more on fire to go back to college than ever before. I had 4 years of day camp experience under my belt, so I knew I loved working with kids. I just never thought God would call me to such a difficult profession.

I went home that afternoon and was SO excited to tell people about this new passion of mine. However, I was very disappointed by their reactions. “Do you know how much teachers get paid?” “Kids are so bad these days, God bless you”. These comments and questions brought me back to a place of confusion. Was I wrong when I listened to God? Should I go back to the comfort of a major others approved of?

Y’all, I struggled with this more than you could possibly believe. I spent the next 6 MONTHS wrestling with God. I could not make a decision in this. The closer I got to making a final decision, the more I would let people influence my decision.

Finally, I looked back at the 2 education classes I had taken that semester. I remembered my professor on the first day told us that we were all going to be “World Class Educators”. In that moment, I was more excited than I ever was thinking about nursing. In that moment, I knew that all that mattered was where God was calling me in that moment. Despite some people who may criticize my choice, I stand firm in knowing that God will provide where he guides. My purpose is far greater than I could possibly imagine.

SO why tell you all of this? Well, it’s because it taught me a valuable lesson about college majors. College majors are something that brings one of the greatest anxieties in college. Picking the “right” one can often mean picking one that brings temporary happiness through material possessions. If we constantly chase money, cars, etc., we may have full pockets but empty hearts. When we follow where God is calling us, we can find where true joy is hidden.

God equips those he calls. I believe this with all of my heart. I also believe that God created you and I for far more than a job. Ultimately, he calls us every single day to make disciples of all nations and to love in his name. We are to walk as Jesus walked. Whether it be as a teacher, a healer, a defender, a speaker, etc. We can love as Jesus loved whether we are in a cubicle or a hospital. A classroom or a courtroom. If we look at Matthew and what he was doing when Jesus called him, he was doing what only the most despised people would do:

“ As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, “Follow me.”

And he rose and followed him. And as Jesus reclined at table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were reclining with Jesus and his disciples. And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

But when he heard it, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Matthew 9:9-13

Tax collectors were seen as those who manipulated others to gain their own personal wealth. There was a lot of theft that occurred in that occupation. We do not know for sure what Matthews motivations were to enter such a profession, however Jesus called him regardless. Not only did he call him, but he defended his choice to the religious leaders of that time, the Pharisees. Jesus chose Matthew not because of anything he had done in his profession or anything he had done on his own, but solely based on his need for a “great physician”. I think this is so amazing. God chose the lowest of the low to raise his name on high. Just as he does this with Matthew, he can do this with you too.

When we begin to realize where our true identity lies, we can listen to the only voice that truly matters. In the end, the only person we will be standing before is God himself. None of our earthly possessions will be there. None of the people who decided things for us on earth will be standing before us deciding our eternal future. The only thing that will matter is whether we lived our lives how Jesus lived. If we gave all of ourselves to our Savior. If we made followers of Jesus, despite the consequences, strange looks, or awkward conversations. When we take our eyes off of what others want us to do, and look to what Jesus is calling us into, we find true joy and true contentment.

Restored.

This is a feeling I was certainly not used to a year ago.

Let’s take a look back into the mind of Lura. October 2016.

Fall has always been my favorite season. The beautiful leaves lining those long streets. The smell of pumpkin spice lattes and apple cider everywhere you go. Ah fall, it never failed to disappoint. That is, until October 2016. Until the leaves became a dull shade of grey instead of their vibrant red,orange, and yellow

That season, the grip of anxiety controlled every thought, every move, and every moment of my life. Where I went, anxiety followed me there. There was nowhere I could go without being completely out of control. My life seemed to be getting less exciting. When I wanted to do something fun and go out with my friends, my anxiety said “no”. When I wanted to take a risk and do something I had never done before, my anxiety said “no”. Even when a friend would ask me out to coffee, my anxiety said “no”.

For that season, “no” was a word I grew accustomed to. It was the easy way out of difficult, anxiety-provoking situations. In those moments, however, I let anxiety control me. More than that, I let the devil control me. I chose to follow the booming advice of Satan, over the gentle whisper of my heavenly Father. Now, did I see it that way back then? Of course not. If I had, I wouldn’t have gave in to it. In those moments of “no”, however, Jesus was still saying “yes” to me. He want giving up on me, even when I chose to run the opposite direction.

As I turned away from medication to cope and looked to counseling instead, I felt a freedom I hadn’t felt in years. A freedom to be open and honest. A freedom to heal on my own terms. A certain strength came from that freedom. Slowly, I began to realize that letting go can be one of the best decisions I ever make. Letting go of the fear of being different. letting go of the fear of not having the same college experience as everyone else. Letting go of control, and allowing God to take over. That is where my true freedom was found. At the foot of the cross.

When I first started counseling, I wanted to be healed overnight. I didn’t want to struggle any longer. I needed answers, and I wanted them now.

However, it’s amazing that time can really do. It’s amazing what patience can really do. It’s amazing what the King of the universe can do with a single life.

Counseling is less about the counselor doing the work than it is you doing the work. Yes, they listen and give you tools. It is up to you, however, to implement those tools and put yourself in “anxiety-provoking” situations for practice.

This sounded awful to me. Not only do I have to be completely open with a stranger, but I have to put myself in situations that will cause me anxiety?? What kind of cure is this? How will this ever get me to where I want to be??

Those were the questions I asked last October. This October, I am a firm believer in everything counseling stands for. Most of all, I am restored. I may not be completely healed. I may never be completely healed from my anxiety.

However, it’s not about looking at how far you have to go. It’s about looking at how far you’ve come.

It moves me to tears to think just how gracious Jesus has been to me over the past year. Nothing I did or have done could ever explain the grace and love Jesus has poured over me. The fact that, when I went further, He drew nearer. The fact that, when I felt worthless, he saw me as priceless. The fact that, when it felt like a prison, He was making it my platform. I am completely unworthy of all Jesus is and all He does. That makes me want to run to Him all the more. He calls me worthy. I am restored and I want my life to be an example of the power and the goodness of jesus Christ. My dear brothers and sisters, He will set you free. Addictions, anxiety, depression, etc.. You can be restored. Those fall leaves have been restored to their vibrant beauty.

But Lura, what if I’m too broken for Jesus?

I too have asked that same question. Let’s take a look back and see how Jesus dealt with broken people. Jarrid Wilson, a well-known blogger, author, and speaker, put it this way:

• Abraham -Was old. 
• Elijah – Was suicidal. 
• Joseph – Was abused. 
• Job – Went bankrupt.
• Moses – Had a speech problem.
• Gideon – Was afraid.
• Samson – Was a womanizer.
• Rahab – Was a prostitute.
• Samaritan Woman – Divorced.
• Noah – Was a Drunk.
• Jeremiah – Was young.
• Jacob – Was a cheater.
• David – Was a murderer.
• Jonah – Ran from God.
• Naomi – Was a widow.
• Peter – Denied Christ three times
• Martha – Worried about everything.
• Zacchaeus – Was small and money hungry.
• The Disciples – Fell asleep while praying.
• Paul – A Pharisee who persecuted Christians before becoming one.

As you can see, God has a special way of using broken people. If you think you are too broken for God to use, think again.

You are a force to be reckoned with because you have the God of angel armies on your side. He will heal. He will restore.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven”

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Every day, it seems like we face the unimaginable. It feels as though our world is a place that is constantly in a state of brokenness. We read newspapers. We watch the news. We hear of shootings, stabbings, economic downfalls, and terrorism. It is hard to make sense of such a hate-filled world we live in.

Monday morning, I woke up to the tragic news of 59 people losing their lives, as well as hundreds more injured. I woke up to a world that is hurting, once again. Once again, the president makes a plea for the country to unite in this time of tragedy. Once again, we are faced with this reality that love is the only remedy for a fallen world.

Put aside politics. Put aside difference in religion. Put aside anything that can hinder you from loving others equally.

Sandy Hook. 20 children. 6 adults.

Columbine. 12 students. 1 teacher.

Pulse Night Club. 49 people.

Las Vegas. 59 people.

San Bernardino. 14 people.

Aurora, Colorado. 12 people.

Ft. Hood, Texas. 13 people.

Virginia Tech. 32 people.

9/11. 2,977 people.

These statistics are just from 18 years. My heart breaks just typing these out because each one of these numbers is a human life. A mother. A father. A brother. A sister. A vital part of this world we live in. The tears continue to run down our faces too often.

We may feel helpless. We may feel heart broken. We may feel like there is nothing we can do to change the fate of our country. We may feel like we didn’t do enough to save all of the beautiful souls we have lost.

What is going to change things is love. It is a simple smile to a stranger. It is a, “How are you doing today, truly?” It is a helping hand to those in need. It is equal treatment to all you come in contact with. It is treating others how we would want to be treated. It is being the hands and feet of Jesus no matter the circumstances. It is standing up for the weak. It is loving when it seems hardest to love.

That is what is going to change things. You are never too small. Too weak. Too young. Too old. To make a difference in the simplest way.

Loving like Jesus isn’t protesting with picket signs. Loving like Jesus isn’t condemning those who we don’t agree with.

Loving like Jesus is non-discriminatory. Loving like Jesus is unconditional.

Did Jesus ever condemn the people who didn’t believe in him? Doesn’t the bible say that God made each and every one of us? Does the Bible discriminate with the word “neighbor” when talking about loving our neighbors as ourself?

No. Our neighbors include the people who share beliefs furthest from ours and closest to ours. Our neighbors are those of different regions, different ethnicity’s, different races, and different sexual orientations.

Jesus is love. He died for every single person, no matter what they may believe in their lifetime. By discriminating, we are reflecting what the fallen world we live in. By standing up for others, we are reflecting Jesus.

My fellow Christians, it is up to us to be the hands and feet of Jesus. It is up to us to be a light unto the world. This world is just going to keep getting darker and darker. But we can make a lasting impact if we all light up this dark world. Love unconditionally. Do the simplest things to make someones day and show them you care. You just may stop something stirring in their heart that could be the next “America’s deadliest mass shooting”.

Love is what is going to make this world filled with light again.

The sun peeks through the tall, delicate trees. The waves greet the sand with a friendly wave. As my feet sink into the sand with every step I take, I am reminded of how God’s faithfulness extends beyond our comprehension. As each previous footstep fades back into its original form, new footsteps are created with each passing second. The more I let myself explore this concept, the more my beautiful Jesus reveals His wondrous character. When I glance up at the water that extends beyond the horizon, I am reminded of God’s never ending love and scandalous grace. There are millions and millions of grains of sand on that warm, white beach. Jesus counts every single one of them. Not a single one goes unnoticed. Although we may allow our footsteps to leave imprints upon these little grains of sand, this is what they have been called to. This is one of their many purposes. We can’t always be sure of our purpose in this fragile life. But God is a beautiful artist. So beautiful that we can’t comprehend the reasons for his mighty handiwork at times.

We are called to have a mindset fixed on heaven, and less on earth. This beautiful earth, filled with gorgeous overflowing waterfalls and mountains that kiss the sky, is only temporary. As beautiful as it is, we can be reminded constantly that heaven is infinitely more beautiful than this life we live now.  When we look at our past, the moments we have lived previously can be deafening. They speak into our souls and attempt to drown out the soft whispers of the holy spirit. When we slow down, we begin to understand that those invisible footsteps were stepping stones that shaped how we would walk in the moment. The past no longer has a grip on us, and is instead something so valuable that is used for Kingdom work by the King. The darkest areas of our hearts, are lightened by the sound of a thousand angels praising the King. The deafening sound of our past failures are transformed into a million trumpets being played to the tune of  whole new life beginning when we understand and choose to live a life devoted to Jesus. Its not about following the ways we used to for so long. Its doing what comes least naturally. Its stepping off of the sand and into the water. It is about sacrificing comfort for a life filled with endless moments of pure blessing.

There are endless beaches filled with life throughout this beautiful world. Every beach has a story to it. What storms have weathered it over the years. How many people have been coming to soak in the escape from reality and a life filled with hustling. Just because the beach has been weathered in the past, doesn’t mean people stop coming to it. People are drawn to tragedy. They are drawn to history. The more someone or something has been weathered, the more a transformation can be seen growing from the ashes. Just as people are drawn to transformation, Jesus is drawn to the ashes scattered on the ground. Jesus doesn’t look for perfect people. He looks for imperfect people in need of rescue. This comforting fact has led me beside calm fields of green. It has led me through green pastures in the most chaotic, frantic areas of life.

“He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,” PSALM 23;2

As the sun beats down on those thousands of grains of sand, the light shines through the darkness of the clouds. No amount of doubt, shame, guilt, or sin can keep away the light of our beautiful savior. He is always right beside, guiding us towards the peace that passes all understanding. Slow down and breathe in the crisp, fresh air that tickles your cheeks with each passing wind gust. There is meaning in your mistakes. There is purpose in your pain. There is freedom in the fire. Jesus refines us through every invisible step along that sandy journey. He is beautiful. He is everlasting. He is Jesus.